I Pushed Him Off (Emo Phillips)

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, 'Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why shouldn't I?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!'

He said, "Like what?"

I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?"

He said, 'Religious."

I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

He said, "Christian.'

I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

He said, 'Baptist!"

I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?'

He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

I said, "Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

He said, 'Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

I said, 'Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!'

I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.