To write to the "Dear Barnabas" section, click here.
5/3/10
Thanks so much for this site. You have described our church
almost to a "T." It is incredible. My husband and I are
small group leaders for grade school children and have attended our
church for 7 years. Unfortunately, it has become clear to
us in the past couple of years that our pastor is a jerk and a
bully. We are experiencing the exact kind of staff turnover you
describe.
We are hoping to move to a new church
soon, but we are experiencing trepidation-wondering if we might ever
find a healthy church. We were members of healthy churches
before, however, so I know it is possible.
Anyway, I appreciate your site so much
because it validates our feelings and thoughts. We serve such a
wonderful God. Thanks for your insight.
Sincerely,
H. F.
It's sad you are experiencing such a situation, but I
am happy the website helps people like you understand these things and
heal from them.
4/19/10
Re: Audio Lessons on Spiritual
Recovery
Thank
you
for your ministry. After listening to your
messages, I have found a way out of the situation I am in. Also, your
admission of partaking in abusive behavior was very freeing for me. I
think the hardest part was admitting that I had committed some of these
things to people that I love.
One question for you to consider: Do you feel that many of these issues
come from theology that focuses on man's ability? The reason I ask is
that I began to identify a lot of the problems in my church after
coming to an understanding on the doctrines of grace. Obviously people
can abuse others and claim to hold to those doctrines as well, but so
much of what I see in abusive situations comes from a works based
theology.
Please let me know your thoughts if you have time to respond. I
understand you are busy. Thank you again for your ministry and glory to
God that He meant what you went through for the good of you and many
others.
Grace,
N. B.
Exploiting
guilt
is one of the keys to making spiritual abuse happen.
Performance-based theology certainly could enable abuse, but so could a
performance-based church culture or any other way that guilt can be
induced. As I discuss in the classes, this is especially sad because
people do sin and do have real guilt. The problem is that instead of
proper Christian remedies for real guilt, the abusive church often has
false guilt and false remedies mixed in, and they often include
elements of control and abuse.
4/14/10
Re: Healing Spriritual Abuse
I hear everything you are saying. Our family pulled away from a place
like this and we knew things were abusive and some of the ministers did
too but every one was too afraid to speak up. Even now I am afraid
someone will see this and am not leaving my name. What should you do if
a church leader is manipulative or abusive. If you talk to them they
are defensive and bring their authority down on you in subtle ways. I
tried to talk to my church leader about his abusive ways and over the
next year I was replaced on my activities and accused of not being
unified with the church.
anonymous
4/13/10
Dear Barnabas,
I write to say thank you for such encouraging words on your web page. I
happened upon it and truly believe that God had His hand in it.
I was a member of my local church and served there for 12 yrs. I
noticed things that did not sit well with my spirit and after much
prayer and deliberation, decided to leave.
It is now approx 4 yrs later and I have struggled so much! I can truly
say from my heart that it has nearly broken me. It is healing for me to
write these words down. Everything that I have read on your web page
regarding the grieving process applies to me. When I read it last
night, it was like a breath of fresh air, and I thank Our Lord that I
found you. The way you explain things has made sense to my heart and I
have not felt this way in a long while.
Where you mention Scriptural Reasons
for Leaving a Church, has confirmed to me that I made the right
decision, although difficult.
While in my church, there were messages like, "This is the best church
around here," and "There is nowhere else that you can really attend
that will give you what you have here," and "Nowhere else is quite as
good as
us." These have been damaging for me as a Christian and disabled me for
a while.
I love my Lord Jesus will all my heart and will continue to do so. I
will press on with my faith, I will no longer listen to people who tell
me things such as "if you are not in church, Jesus will bypass you when
he comes back" and "Without church, to God, your faith is as a dead
sheep!"
I do know that Church is important, but I also know that I have had to
grieve. I continually pray that God will show me where I need to be and
I will trust in HIS judgement. I know He loves me and will NEVER leave
me.
I will continue to visit your web site, as I continue on in His
precious name.
May God bless you all greatly.
In the mighty name of Jesus,
Love
Barbara X
3/22/10
Re: Confronting
Those
in
Authority
All I can say is thank you for the
article and information. I have found myself in this particular
situation. I was online searching for information about confrontations
for my class in college, and ran into your site. I beleive God wanted
me to see it because I truly was not looking for it.
Yes, there are challenges I face about the ministry I have attended for
14 years and said I would speak (confront) my pastor before just
leaving. I have not church shopped, have been a faithful member, but
most importantly been faithful in my relationship with God. I didn't
ask nor sought for a change, except that a change may take place in me.
I have no fear of confronting. Your article does assist in the
respectful manner and focus of how to proceed, prayerfully.
Again, thank you and God bless you.
Ms. P
Glad to hear the article is helpful.
3/22/10
Re: Audio
Messages
Thank you so much for your ministry,
this is so right on. We've been right there in the middle of spiritual
abuse. My wife and I can not thank you enough for the encouragement to
stand for what's right and against wrong false leaders. I just wish
that I could have learned 16 yrs ago. We now have no friends; we truly
realize that they were not our friends and life is starting over for
us. We think over and over all the time about our life wasted in an
spiritual relationship and it's so frustrating. I to hope to joint your
cause to help others see the light of these false churches that have "a
form of godliness but denies the power thereof." It is amazing how all
the experiances you talk about we have experienced the same things. It
is truly unreal.
Thank you. Don't stop your still
helping me!
Jared
I
am glad to know the series on Spiritual Recovery is helpful. But one
idea I'd like to offer. I know it's frustrating to think about time
wasted, but I don't believe time is wasted, no more than Joseph's life
was wasted as God prepared him for something bigger and better. The
same can be said for Moses, David, Paul-- all had times that look like
a waste to man but they fit God's "big picture" perfectly. You cannot
change the past but you have decided not to waste your future.
3/10/10
Re: Leaving an Unhealthy Church
and the Grief Process
Thank God for you.I have been searching for a site such as yours for
guidance. You are the first site where the thought of an unhealthy
church is mentioned.
The pain of leaving is unbearable, but we have done so.
The crisis imploded for some members who have experienced and
acknowledged the truth. These people have been demonized.
Alas, our church will die a slow death with the handful of people left
to support a deficient minister.
Elaine
I'm sad to hear of stories like yours, but
I am not surprised. I hope and pray you find peace and guidance on your
journey.
3/7/10
Re: Dear Barbanas
We are thinking of leaving the church we have been a part of for a long
time, as are about 6-7 other couples. This is a small church, so the
impact would be profound. I have been looking at your resources and a
recent book review you did "hit the nail on the head." Many "mature"
Christians (regardless of age) find themselves with nothing meaningful
to do, no "mission." Our current pastor basically "canned" the elders
of our church (by not ever meeting with them), virtually ignores anyone
over 40, and has a "new sheriff in town" kind of attitude. Where does
it say that a shepherd leaves the old sheep behind? Most (though not
all) of these folks are flexible and changeable people - after all they
came to plant this church because they wanted more of God. We have
never seen ourselves as the "old guard" and would've died on a hill for
this pastor if we felt that we were an integral part of the body.
Thanks for your ministry. It's just what we need right now.
Bobby
3/6/10
Re: Rescuing
the
Gospel
from
the
Gospels
I was hoping if you could specify
what teaching of Jesus from the gospel letters are relevant for today.
What teachings did Jesus want the apostles to pass on for us to obey
based on Matthew 28:20?
Kahlil
I wish there was an easy answer for this,
but there isn't. I have a couple of ideas for how I'd approach this.
First, get familiar with the Law.
Read it, study it. You might consider outlining it. The point is tht
you need to be familiar enough with the Law to be able to recognize
areas where the New Testament makes reference to it. There are various
direct and indirect references all over the NT, as well as instances
where the symbolism of the Law is used to illustrate a point or the
like.
Second, remember that Acts (and the
rest of the NT) is more likely to address your question than the
gospels. Acts covers how the church put Matthew 28:18-19 in place. It
also shows how they handled the Law (which was no longer in effect),
whereas the gospels show Jesus discussing the Law while it was still in
effect.
2/10/10
Re: OT Covenants
I've a question on covenants.
When a modern Christian reads the promises of God to the OT Israelites
- he assumes the "houses you didn't build", "vineyards you didn't
plant", "blessed when you go out and come in" and "your healing will
quickly appear" applies to him as well.
Coupled with Malachi's promise regarding tithing "Test me in this... I
will open the floodgates of heaven and fill you with blessing you
cannot contain" - we commonly assume the church is under the same
covenants.
Likewise - a blood covenant via that shed on the cross would seem to
confirm that church age Christians could expect all the benefits of the
OT covenants - and more.
Yet - millions of Christians cannot break out of poverty nor find
healing from sickness regardless of how many healing services they
attend or how much "seed promises" they sow to television evangelists.
As a Christian who's actually seen a physical miracle take place in
direct response to prayer - I have experienced God's power without
doubt. Yet it seems the church is struggling to find those same OT
blessings.
My question - can modern Christians rightly expect those specific
blessings promised to OT Israelites?
Robert
Simply, no.
All Scripture needs to be understood in context. If context can be
ignored, we can make Scripture say pretty much anything we want.
The promises to the Israelites as they went into the promised land
defined the entire nation of Israel, in contrast to all other peoples.
But it was because the LORD loved you and
kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with
a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power
of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the LORD your God is God;
he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand
generations of those who love him and keep his commands. (Deuteronomy
7:8-9)
And these promises to Israel were conditioned upon their obedience. We
know that this arrangement did not end well for the Israelites:
For if there had been nothing wrong with
that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another. But
God found fault with the people and said:
"The time is coming, declares
the Lord,
when I will make a
new covenant
with the house of Israel
and with the house
of Judah.
It will not be like the
covenant
I made with their
forefathers
when I took them by the hand
to lead them out
of Egypt,
because they did not remain
faithful to my covenant,
and I turned away
from them,
declares
the
Lord.
This is the covenant I will
make with the house of Israel
after that time,
declares the Lord.
I will put my laws in their
minds
and write them on
their hearts.
I will be their God,
and they will be
my people.
No longer will a man teach his
neighbor,
or a man his
brother, saying, `Know the Lord,'
because they will all know me,
from the least of
them to the greatest.
For I will forgive their
wickedness
and will remember
their sins no more."
By calling this covenant "new," he
has made the first one obsolete; and what is obsolete and aging will
soon disappear. (Hebrews 8:7-13).
God certainly is a
kind God, providing numerous blessings to all (Matthew 5:45, Acts
14:17). He also answers prayer and performs mighty acts even to this
day. Yet Christians of all ages have also been subject to persecutions
and hardships (ref. 2 Timothy 3:12). Some have even chosen
poverty, given up attractive careers and monetary "blessings" or chosen
dangerous missions as a
result of that faith (e.g. Philippians 3:8). If the promises to Israel
were true for them, then where were their "blessings?"
We need not worry about that; the covenant has changed. It is about
knowing God and being forgiven.
1/26/10
Re: Dear Barnabas
I just wanted to ask if you don't mind, if you can break down the First
Principles studies. I want to:
- Unlearn the
teaching's of Kip McKean, and
- Know what the
scriptures mean in their proper context.
I do not want to
bring others to Christ using these studies if the Scriptures are being
used out of context. Please help me to study the bible with people in a
healthy biblical way. Thanks.
-Kahlil
I
have written a study Gospel
Proclamations
and
Responses
in
the
Apostolic
Church. This study
examines the very question you are asking about. I have not
specifically addressed Kip McKean's teachings by name, but as you read
it (especially the later chapters) you will recognize many themes that
have characterized his theology.
1/17/10
Re: Healing
Spiritual Abuse
Thank you for your ministry. It is well-needed!
I experienced abuse in <a
particular church> for 14 years.
Years later, on the outside of the
church system, I have a calling on my life, and have read articles that
state "submit yourselves to those that have the rule over you", and
that God won't open my door of destiny until I submit to some pastor
somewhere. Now what?
- Rick
In answer to your question about being
under the authority of a pastor or elders somewhere, it seems to me
that if you are part of a local congregation, you should indeed submit
to them where appropriate.
However, if you are
not a member of a local congregation, or the work is outside of the
scope of their responsibility, I don't see any Scriptural need to put
yourself under such an authority. The New Testament church did not have
such a requirement. While some leaders or missionaries had such
"sponsoring" relationships (Acts 13:1ff comes to mind), this cannot be
said of all of them- for example, those scattered in the persecution of
Stephen (Acts 11:19-21). This lack of requirement is evident in the
Acts 15 incident with the teachers from Jerusalem going to Antioch.
From then until now,
the church has wrestled with this issue. Some have supposed that
"letters of recommendation" (like the one in Acts 15, also see 2
Corinthians 3:1) might protect the church from false itinerant
teachers. However, Paul rightly saw what mattered was truth and
character (2 Corinthians 3:3). Many derive a false sense of comfort and
assurance when ministers are sponsored by or subservient to a larger
organization; they never seem to think that the larger organization or
sponsoring individuals could be wrong or untrustworthy. In so doing,
they allow such sponsorship to replace their own responsibility to
exercise spiritual discernment when needed.
Having said all of
that, you should consider bringing mature Christians into some form of
involvement with respect to your work. Depending upon the scope of the
effort, such a "board" could be of great benefit to both yourself and
the beneficiaries of your work. Real relational involvement provides
both you and others involved in your work with encouragement, support
and guidance. The Proverbs are full of instructions about seeking
advice.
With the Barnabas Ministry, I have a close circle of Christian friends
that I use as a "sounding board" to help me from time to time. The
Barnabas Ministry and I have benefited from their help on many
occasions.
12/14/09
Re: Leaving an
Unhealthy Church and the Grief Process
I just want to thank
you for this well written article. My husband and
I just resigned from our church where we have been members for 20
years. This has been a painful experience, indeed. This was a
decision that had to be made. Now I (more than my husband) am going
through the griving process. It is amazing how you described my
feelings
through this process. I wanted to know if you have a website, or
another point of contact? I am interested in grief counseling.
- Neiko
I
don't know of any other websites to refer you to for what you are
looking for. For finding a therapist for counseling, I'd suggest the
Barnabas Ministry article "Finding a
Counselor." You might also want to pick up a copy of "The Grief
Recovery Handbook: The
Action Program for Moving Beyond
Death, Divorce and Other Losses" that is mentioned in the article. I
wish you well in getting into counseling and growing through this loss.
11/18/09
Re: Overcoming
the
Dark
Side
of
Leadership-
The
Paradox
of
Personal
Dysfunction
I have used your book a lot with
other leaders and myself. I am looking for more contemporary examples
of the five dark sides (like Nixon for Paranoid, and Clinton for
Codependent). Do you have more contemporary examples for these and all
the others?
Thanks and God bless your ministry.
- Rick
Actually,
I
did
not
write
that
book;
McIntosh
and
Rima
did.
I'm
glad
you've
found
it
useful.
It's an interesting idea to think about additional examples of leaders
with these issues. I don't have an additional, more contemporary list.
But almost all of what we know about public leaders, especially while
they are "in power," is carefully crafted for public disclosure; only
when the person leaves leadership, or when there is a scandal or the
like do we get
the inside truth about the way people really are. Even then, we have to
make sure we are getting an even-handed presentation of the leader that
lends itself to this sort of analysis.
11/17/09
Re: Leaving
an
Unhealthy
Church
and
the
Grief
Process
Thanks for this great article. It is
exactly what I am going through. It was nice to see that it is a
"normal" process, and that I am not crazy. Can't wait to live the
ending. I could not believe how accurate this article is on what I am
experiencing. Thanks again.
- Don
You're
welcome!
11/12/09
Just
wanted to know how private these questions are?
- Christine
Great question! If you really want private
correspondence, use the "confidential assistance"
link
on
the
main
page.
For
other
letters,
I'll
put
down
the
date
and
a
non-identifying
name
to
protect
people's
privacy.
I'll also edit for length, clarity or
the like to make it as useful as possible for readers. I also will
x-out names of others in the letter unless they are public figures.