Letters to Barnabas

To write to the "Dear Barnabas" section, click here.

5/3/10
Thanks so much for this site.  You have described our church almost to a "T."  It is incredible.  My husband and I are small group leaders for grade school children and have attended our church for 7 years.  Unfortunately, it has become clear to us  in the past couple of years that our pastor is a jerk and a bully.  We are experiencing the exact kind of staff turnover you describe.


We are hoping to move to a new church soon, but we are experiencing trepidation-wondering if we might ever find a healthy church.  We were members of healthy churches before, however, so I know it is possible.

Anyway, I appreciate your site so much because it validates our feelings and thoughts.  We serve such a wonderful God.  Thanks for your insight.

Sincerely,
H. F.

It's sad you are experiencing such a situation, but I am happy the website helps people like you understand these things and heal from them.


4/19/10
Re: Audio Lessons on Spiritual Recovery

Thank you for your ministry. After listening to your messages, I have found a way out of the situation I am in. Also, your admission of partaking in abusive behavior was very freeing for me. I think the hardest part was admitting that I had committed some of these things to people that I love.

One question for you to consider: Do you feel that many of these issues come from theology that focuses on man's ability? The reason I ask is that I began to identify a lot of the problems in my church after coming to an understanding on the doctrines of grace. Obviously people can abuse others and claim to hold to those doctrines as well, but so much of what I see in abusive situations comes from a works based theology.

Please let me know your thoughts if you have time to respond. I understand you are busy. Thank you again for your ministry and glory to God that He meant what you went through for the good of you and many others.

Grace,
N. B.


Exploiting guilt is one of the keys to making spiritual abuse happen. Performance-based theology certainly could enable abuse, but so could a performance-based church culture or any other way that guilt can be induced. As I discuss in the classes, this is especially sad because people do sin and do have real guilt. The problem is that instead of proper Christian remedies for real guilt, the abusive church often has false guilt and false remedies mixed in, and they often include elements of control and abuse. 


4/14/10
Re: Healing Spriritual Abuse

I hear everything you are saying. Our family pulled away from a place like this and we knew things were abusive and some of the ministers did too but every one was too afraid to speak up. Even now I am afraid someone will see this and am not leaving my name. What should you do if a church leader is manipulative or abusive. If you talk to them they are defensive and bring their authority down on you in subtle ways. I tried to talk to my church leader about his abusive ways and over the next year I was replaced on my activities and accused of not being unified with the church.

anonymous

My thoughts on this question are summarized in the articles Confronting Those in Authority and When Confronting Doesn't Bring About Change, and Why Churches Can't Change.


4/13/10

Dear Barnabas,

I write to say thank you for such encouraging words on your web page. I happened upon it and truly believe that God had His hand in it.

I was a member of my local church and served there for 12 yrs. I noticed things that did not sit well with my spirit and after much prayer and deliberation, decided to leave.

It is now approx 4 yrs later and I have struggled so much! I can truly say from my heart that it has nearly broken me. It is healing for me to write these words down. Everything that I have read on your web page regarding the grieving process applies to me. When I read it last night, it was like a breath of fresh air, and I thank Our Lord that I found you. The way you explain things has made sense to my heart and I have not felt this way in a long while.

Where you mention Scriptural Reasons for Leaving a Church, has confirmed to me that I made the right decision, although difficult.

While in my church, there were messages like, "This is the best church around here," and "There is nowhere else that you can really attend that will give you what you have here," and "Nowhere else is quite as good as us." These have been damaging for me as a Christian and disabled me for a while.

I love my Lord Jesus will all my heart and will continue to do so. I will press on with my faith, I will no longer listen to people who tell me things such as "if you are not in church, Jesus will bypass you when he comes back" and "Without church, to God, your faith is as a dead sheep!"

I do know that Church is important, but I also know that I have had to grieve. I continually pray that God will show me where I need to be and I will trust in HIS judgement. I know He loves me and will NEVER leave me.

I will continue to visit your web site, as I continue on in His precious name.

May God bless you all greatly.

In the mighty name of Jesus,

Love
Barbara X


3/22/10
Re: Confronting Those in Authority
All I can say is thank you for the article and information. I have found myself in this particular situation. I was online searching for information about confrontations for my class in college, and ran into your site. I beleive God wanted me to see it because I truly was not looking for it.

Yes, there are challenges I face about the ministry I have attended for 14 years and said I would speak (confront) my pastor before just leaving. I have not church shopped, have been a faithful member, but most importantly been faithful in my relationship with God. I didn't ask nor sought for a change, except that a change may take place in me. I have no fear of confronting. Your article does assist in the respectful manner and focus of how to proceed, prayerfully.

Again, thank you and God bless you.

Ms. P

Glad to hear the article is helpful.


3/22/10
Re: Audio Messages
Thank you so much for your ministry, this is so right on. We've been right there in the middle of spiritual abuse. My wife and I can not thank you enough for the encouragement to stand for what's right and against wrong false leaders. I just wish that I could have learned 16 yrs ago. We now have no friends; we truly realize that they were not our friends and life is starting over for us. We think over and over all the time about our life wasted in an spiritual relationship and it's so frustrating. I to hope to joint your cause to help others see the light of these false churches that have "a form of godliness but denies the power thereof." It is amazing how all the experiances you talk about we have experienced the same things. It is truly unreal.

Thank you. Don't stop your still helping me!

Jared

I am glad to know the series on Spiritual Recovery is helpful. But one idea I'd like to offer. I know it's frustrating to think about time wasted, but I don't believe time is wasted, no more than Joseph's life was wasted as God prepared him for something bigger and better. The same can be said for Moses, David, Paul-- all had times that look like a waste to man but they fit God's "big picture" perfectly. You cannot change the past but you have decided not to waste your future.


3/10/10
Re:  Leaving an Unhealthy Church and the Grief Process
Thank God for you.I have been searching for a site such as yours for guidance. You are the first site where the thought of an unhealthy church is mentioned.

The pain of leaving is unbearable, but we have done so.

The crisis imploded for some members who have experienced and acknowledged the truth. These people have been demonized.

Alas, our church will die a slow death with the handful of people left to support a deficient minister.

Elaine

I'm sad to hear of stories like yours, but I am not surprised. I hope and pray you find peace and guidance on your journey.


3/7/10
Re: Dear Barbanas
We are thinking of leaving the church we have been a part of for a long time, as are about 6-7 other couples. This is a small church, so the impact would be profound. I have been looking at your resources and a recent book review you did "hit the nail on the head." Many "mature" Christians (regardless of age) find themselves with nothing meaningful to do, no "mission." Our current pastor basically "canned" the elders of our church (by not ever meeting with them), virtually ignores anyone over 40, and has a "new sheriff in town" kind of attitude. Where does it say that a shepherd leaves the old sheep behind? Most (though not all) of these folks are flexible and changeable people - after all they came to plant this church because they wanted more of God. We have never seen ourselves as the "old guard" and would've died on a hill for this pastor if we felt that we were an integral part of the body. Thanks for your ministry. It's just what we need right now.

Bobby

It's sad to hear of your situation. Perhaps some of the lessons in the Spiritual Recovery Class audio series can help you address this situation in your congregation.


3/6/10
Re: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gospels
I was hoping if you could specify what teaching of Jesus from the gospel letters are relevant for today. What teachings did Jesus want the apostles to pass on for us to obey based on Matthew 28:20?

Kahlil

I wish there was an easy answer for this, but there isn't. I have a couple of ideas for how I'd approach this.

First, get familiar with the Law. Read it, study it. You might consider outlining it. The point is tht you need to be familiar enough with the Law to be able to recognize areas where the New Testament makes reference to it. There are various direct and indirect references all over the NT, as well as instances where the symbolism of the Law is used to illustrate a point or the like.

Second, remember that Acts (and the rest of the NT) is more likely to address your question than the gospels. Acts covers how the church put Matthew 28:18-19 in place. It also shows how they handled the Law (which was no longer in effect), whereas the gospels show Jesus discussing the Law while it was still in effect.



2/10/10
Re: OT Covenants
I've a question on covenants.

When a modern Christian reads the promises of God to the OT Israelites - he assumes the "houses you didn't build", "vineyards you didn't plant", "blessed when you go out and come in" and "your healing will quickly appear" applies to him as well.

Coupled with Malachi's promise regarding tithing "Test me in this... I will open the floodgates of heaven and fill you with blessing you cannot contain" - we commonly assume the church is under the same covenants.

Likewise - a blood covenant via that shed on the cross would seem to confirm that church age Christians could expect all the benefits of the OT covenants - and more.

Yet - millions of Christians cannot break out of poverty nor find healing from sickness regardless of how many healing services they attend or how much "seed promises" they sow to television evangelists.

As a Christian who's actually seen a physical miracle take place in direct response to prayer - I have experienced God's power without doubt. Yet it seems the church is struggling to find those same OT blessings.

My question - can modern Christians rightly expect those specific blessings promised to OT Israelites?

Robert

Simply, no.

All Scripture needs to be understood in context. If context can be ignored, we can make Scripture say pretty much anything we want.

The promises to the Israelites as they went into the promised land defined the entire nation of Israel, in contrast to all other peoples.

But it was because the LORD loved you and kept the oath he swore to your forefathers that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt. Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands. (Deuteronomy 7:8-9)

And these promises to Israel were conditioned upon their obedience. We know that this arrangement did not end well for the Israelites:

For if there had been nothing wrong with that first covenant, no place would have been sought for another. But God found fault with the people and said:

  "The time is coming, declares the Lord,
    when I will make a new covenant
  with the house of Israel
    and with the house of Judah.

  It will not be like the covenant
    I made with their forefathers
  when I took them by the hand
    to lead them out of Egypt,
  because they did not remain faithful to my covenant,
    and I turned away from them,
        declares the Lord.

  This is the covenant I will make with the house of Israel
    after that time, declares the Lord.
  I will put my laws in their minds
    and write them on their hearts.
  I will be their God,
    and they will be my people.

  No longer will a man teach his neighbor,
    or a man his brother, saying, `Know the Lord,'
  because they will all know me,
    from the least of them to the greatest.

  For I will forgive their wickedness
    and will remember their sins no more."

By calling this covenant "new," he has made the first one obsolete; and what is obsolete and aging will soon disappear. (Hebrews 8:7-13).

God certainly is a kind God, providing numerous blessings to all (Matthew 5:45, Acts 14:17). He also answers prayer and performs mighty acts even to this day. Yet Christians of all ages have also been subject to persecutions and hardships (ref. 2 Timothy 3:12). Some have even chosen poverty, given up attractive careers and monetary "blessings" or chosen dangerous missions as a result of that faith (e.g. Philippians 3:8). If the promises to Israel were true for them, then where were their "blessings?"

We need not worry about that; the covenant has changed. It is about knowing God and being forgiven.



1/26/10
Re: Dear Barnabas
I just wanted to ask if you don't mind, if you can break down the First Principles studies. I want to:
  1. Unlearn the teaching's of Kip McKean, and
  2. Know what the scriptures mean in their proper context.
I do not want to bring others to Christ using these studies if the Scriptures are being used out of context. Please help me to study the bible with people in a healthy biblical way. Thanks.

-Kahlil

I have written a study Gospel Proclamations and Responses in the Apostolic Church. This study examines the very question you are asking about. I have not specifically addressed Kip McKean's teachings by name, but as you read it (especially the later chapters) you will recognize many themes that have characterized his theology.



1/17/10
Re: Healing Spiritual Abuse
Thank you for your ministry. It is well-needed!


I experienced abuse in <a particular church> for 14 years.

Years later, on the outside of the church system, I have a calling on my life, and have read articles that state "submit yourselves to those that have the rule over you", and that God won't open my door of destiny until I submit to some pastor somewhere. Now what?

- Rick


In answer to your question about being under the authority of a pastor or elders somewhere, it seems to me that if you are part of a local congregation, you should indeed submit to them where appropriate.

However, if you are not a member of a local congregation, or the work is outside of the scope of their responsibility, I don't see any Scriptural need to put yourself under such an authority. The New Testament church did not have such a requirement. While some leaders or missionaries had such "sponsoring" relationships (Acts 13:1ff comes to mind), this cannot be said of all of them- for example, those scattered in the persecution of Stephen (Acts 11:19-21). This lack of requirement is evident in the Acts 15 incident with the teachers from Jerusalem going to Antioch.

From then until now, the church has wrestled with this issue. Some have supposed that "letters of recommendation" (like the one in Acts 15, also see 2 Corinthians 3:1) might protect the church from false itinerant teachers. However, Paul rightly saw what mattered was truth and character (2 Corinthians 3:3). Many derive a false sense of comfort and assurance when ministers are sponsored by or subservient to a larger organization; they never seem to think that the larger organization or sponsoring individuals could be wrong or untrustworthy. In so doing, they allow such sponsorship to replace their own responsibility to exercise spiritual discernment when needed.

Having said all of that, you should consider bringing mature Christians into some form of involvement with respect to your work. Depending upon the scope of the effort, such a "board" could be of great benefit to both yourself and the beneficiaries of your work. Real relational involvement provides both you and others involved in your work with encouragement, support and guidance. The Proverbs are full of instructions about seeking advice.

With the Barnabas Ministry, I have a close circle of Christian friends that I use as a "sounding board" to help me from time to time. The Barnabas Ministry and I have benefited from their help on many occasions.




12/14/09
Re: Leaving an Unhealthy Church and the Grief Process

I just want to thank you for this well written article. My husband and I just resigned from our church where we have been members for 20 years. This has been a painful experience, indeed. This was a decision that had to be made. Now I (more than my husband) am going through the griving process. It is amazing how you described my feelings through this process. I wanted to know if you have a website, or another point of contact?  I am interested in grief counseling.

- Neiko

I don't know of any other websites to refer you to for what you are looking for. For finding a therapist for counseling, I'd suggest the Barnabas Ministry article "Finding a Counselor." You might also want to pick up a copy of "The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other Losses" that is mentioned in the article. I wish you well in getting into counseling and growing through this loss.



11/18/09

Re: Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership- The Paradox of Personal Dysfunction
I have used your book a lot with other leaders and myself. I am looking for more contemporary examples of the five dark sides (like Nixon for Paranoid, and Clinton for Codependent). Do you have more contemporary examples for these and all the others?

Thanks and God bless your ministry.

- Rick

Actually, I did not write that book; McIntosh and Rima did. I'm glad you've found it useful.

It's an interesting idea to think about additional examples of leaders with these issues. I don't have an additional, more contemporary list. But almost all of what we know about public leaders, especially while they are "in power," is carefully crafted for public disclosure; only when the person leaves leadership, or when there is a scandal or the like do we get the inside truth about the way people really are. Even then, we have to make sure we are getting an even-handed presentation of the leader that lends itself to this sort of analysis.



11/17/09
Re: Leaving an Unhealthy Church and the Grief Process
Thanks for this great article. It is exactly what I am going through. It was nice to see that it is a "normal" process, and that I am not crazy. Can't wait to live the ending. I could not believe how accurate this article is on what I am experiencing. Thanks again.

- Don

You're welcome!



11/12/09
Just wanted to know how private these questions are?

- Christine

Great question! If you really want private correspondence, use the "confidential assistance" link on the main page. For other letters, I'll put down the date and a non-identifying name to protect people's privacy. I'll also edit for length, clarity or the like to make it as useful as possible for readers. I also will x-out names of others in the letter unless they are public figures.